Marvel's What If...? (Ep. 5)

This article was originally published on November 8, 2021

Written by Thomas Salerno

I hate zombies. Okay, nobody really “likes” zombies. What I mean is, I hate zombie movies. I always have. I’m not a big horror fan to begin with, and the zombie sub-genre has just never appealed to me on any level. So I was already going into this episode of Marvel’s What If…? predisposed to dislike it. And guess what? I didn’t just dislike it… I positively detested it. That being said, I will try to keep this review as objective as I possibly can, but if I descend into an epic rant about how much I hated this episode, I make no apologies. That’s just how I feel. Also, we’re in full on spoiler mode. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now, let us begin the post mortem, shall we? 

What If… Zombies?!

The Hulk/Bruce Banner arrives on Earth to warn the Avengers of the impending arrival of Thanos but he soon discovers that the Mad Titan is the least of the planet’s problems. A zombie apocalypse is in progress and most of the “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” have already been infected. It turns out that while in the Quantum Realm, Janet Van Dyne was infected by a “quantum virus” (whatever that is). She infects Hank Pym and they return to Earth, unleashing the zombie plague.

At this point, I’ve got to say how remarkably tone deaf this episode seems given how, in real life, the world is still in the grips of a global pandemic caused by a virus. Your mileage may vary, but I found the whole concept of this episode gross (and not just because of the rotting undead corpses). I mean, think about it, this is Marvel we’re talking about, a franchise explicitly aimed and marketed at kids. Don’t you think this generation of children has been traumatized enough by the current pandemic without reinforcing fears of infectious disease by zombifying their favorite superheroes?

Anyway, I digress. (I warned you about the epic rant coming…) 

So, Banner joins up with a group of survivors, including Peter Parker/Spider-Man and I’m sorry but I’ve got to digress again, this time about the dreadful “humor” that pushes an already bad episode over-the-edge into legendarily awful territory! The writers seem intent to inflict their audience with tonal whiplash! One minute, zombies are devouring people, the next minute the scene devolves into farce with the characters making inappropriately inane “jokes.” Spider-Man is “Exhibit A” of this problem. Peter has produced a tasteless and skin-peelingly cringey tutorial video on how to survive the zombie apocalypse. As soon as I saw it, I knew there was no hope of salvaging this episode. And the problem only intensifies from that point on.

The script’s attempts at dark humor come off as remarkably callous and ill conceived. The so-called “heroes” of the story don’t seem to care about the gruesome deaths of their fallen comrades. This is exemplified by the atrocious “hand sanitizer” joke. If you’ve seen the episode, you know what I’m talking about. If that weren’t enough, Scott Lang/Ant-Man’s self-admitted “dad jokes” add an extra layer of awkwardness to every scene he’s in. Of course, the writers think they're being rather clever by trying their hands at a little meta humor (it’s funny ‘cause it’s not funny...get it?!) but it just comes off as forced and obnoxious. The cherry on top is the inexplicable inclusion of Kurt. Remember him? That’s right, the Russian hacker from the Ant-Man movies. Well, if you were put off by that character to begin with (I certainly was) be prepared for a lot more of him in this episode. 

The writers attempt to hang a lantern on the inappropriate humor by having Hope Van Dyne call attention to Parker’s incongruously upbeat demeanor. Peter awkwardly attempts to explain, insisting that “if we don’t keep smiling… then we might as well just be gone too.” Okay, I guess. I know that everybody processes grief in their own way but papering over grief with false happiness sounds like terrible advice.

What’s that? What about the plot? It’s a zombie apocalypse story, so there’s few surprises on that score. I’ll get back to the main plot in a minute, but first I want to say a brief word about Hope Van Dyne’s death. The Wasp sacrifices her life, growing to giant size in order to transport the remaining survivors past a horde of zombies to an old S.H.I.E.L.D. base where a cure may be found. At the moment when Hope dies, the sun sets. Give me a break! That’s so on the nose, it’s embarrassing. The writers may as well have smacked the audience across the face with a two-by-four labeled SYMBOLISM!!!

Now, back to the plot. The survivors learn that Vision can repel the zombies with the power of the Mind Stone. But all is not as it appears. In the interests of keeping things brief, I’ll have to compress the somewhat convoluted climax. Basically, Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch is immune to the Mind Stone’s influence and Vision has been satiating her zombie hunger by feeding her body parts from a still-living T’Challa. No, you read that right. Vision repents and gives the Mind Stone to Parker who escapes with Lang and T’Challa.

Now for the real kick-in-the-pants… that ending! Parker and the others fly to Wakanda hoping to find tech that can broadcast the anti-zombie Mind Stone signal worldwide. Unfortunately, Thanos is already there… and he’s been zombified… and he’s got all the other Infinity Stones… Great. So what the viewer is left to surmise is that zombie-Thanos completes the Gauntlet and uses it to zombify the entire universe.

Both the previous Doctor Strange episode and this one have been described as “bleak” but I think there’s a major difference between the two. Doctor Strange’s tale actually had some interesting things to say about human nature. This episode, by contrast, has nothing to say and relies chiefly on crass humor and the shock value of gruesome imagery to impress it’s audience.

So, there you have it. The four previous episodes of Marvel Studios’ What If…? Were all either pretty good or great, but “What If… Zombies?!” is, in my opinion, the first bad episode of the show. No, that’s being too kind — this episode wasn’t simply bad… It was horrible. Maybe I’m biased since I’m not a fan of zombie movies or shows. You couldn't pay me to watch something like The Walking Dead. If this kind of over-the-top zombie-horror is your bag, and you love this episode, I won’t argue with you. You’re welcome to it.

Now that I’ve said my piece, let’s get an alternative perspective on this episode! I asked Brannon Hollingsworth (COO/Creative Director of Brainy Pixel) for his thoughts.

Okay, so clearly this episode wasn’t for me. Are you a fan of the zombie sub-genre? How did this affect your overall enjoyment of the episode?

I admit it, I AM. I have a huge love to monster movies and zombies are certainly no exception. As such, I really enjoyed this episode as it gave me something that I often look for: a story that rides the balance between despair, horror, and hope. (Also, to one of your early points, I DO LOVE Zombies!)

Did the dark humor work for you at all? Am I missing something?

It did, but as I said, I'm a life-long fan of the genre and of dark humor generally. It fits my personality well and despite my convictions (as the Holy Spirit often convicts me of shows in this genre) I do have a deep-seated love of these types of movies and all they entail.

How would you compare/contrast the last two “bleak” episodes? Do you have a preference for how one or the other handled the darker tone?

Good question. These two episodes were pretty different in my opinion. Episode 4 was a character-driven piece where we got to delve deeply into Dr. Strange's ethos and choices. This one was much more team-centric and, to me, had more hope. Episode 4 seemed darker and more moody, while this one had it moments of light and humor (at least to me).

I think the ending of this episode undermines the previously established theme of the show, that “hope never dies.” Do you agree with that assessment or do you have a different take?

No more than Infinity War...we have a team of heroes with a solution in hand and we know that some of them will survive -- and win. Sounds like a great sequel to me!

Would you like to see more horror-focused stories in the future?

Oh, absolutely!